Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson.Rating:
PG 17Time Line:
Just after the episode where Elliot's son Dickie loses his friend and asks his dad to sign the papers so he can join the army. It's still that day and Alex feels awful, she wants to make it up to Olivia. Chapter One
She could feel her heart beating faster as she realised that they were fighting. Again. Something that happened a lot, especially at work, always
She just wished she could forget this, grab the girl and tear out the door and retreat. You know like the damsel in distress routine when it comes to the movies, she wished she could just hop up onto that white horse and save the day. But no, as usual she’d caused the latest argument.
Her protection, the advise she was given had all fallen on her from the wrong side and she chose to protect her career instead of those that mattered.
So when Olivia and Stabler turned their backs on her to throw themselves back into their job, like they always did, she couldn't help but let the feeling of distress overwhelm her and she found herself struggling to breathe.
How was she going to explain this to Olivia, the one who had reported her in the first place, the one that meant more than anything to her. The reason she had finally decided to come back.
“Olivia...” She started, only to receive a glare in response, “Please...”
“Save it, I’ve said what I had to say,” Benson replied, her tone clearly stating this conversation was over.
“Just go, you’re not welcome here,” Elliot butted in, his heavy set body tense and his features contorted into angry lines.
So she did, she turned around and headed back to her vehicle parked meters from the scene.
The shock recoiled through her body, her whole body felt numb but she somehow managed to pick her feet up and placing one in front of the other until she was within the confines of her Bentley.
The tinted windows kept prying eyes away, but her fingers felt like ice and she couldn’t find the ignition, her hands were shaking.
Did that really just happen? Surely they could fix this, they were friends and friends could sort through anything, couldn’t they?
She gave a whimper of frustration and threw the keys onto the dash board, lifting her arms up she placed them on the steering wheel and settled her forehead on top of them.
Her lungs felt heavy, her back was tight and she was doing all she could not to cry there and then. That was weak and Alex Cabot was not weak, nor would she be seen as weak.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat like that but when she finally sat up, her jaw ached and her eyes burned from preventing the tears from shedding.
Her windscreen was misted up and as she sat up properly the leather squeaked underneath her and she finally calmed herself down enough to be able to drive home.Consequences be damned
, she thought to herself, I have to see her and explain. I have to make her see that I did this protect all of us, not just me.
She waited for her outside her apartment and in all sense and purposes, this would be considered stalking if they weren’t friends first.
Maybe she was doing the wrong thing, maybe she should wait a few days for her to cool off, Olivia was level headed but her temper was something that flared and could stay around for days or weeks if you weren’t careful.
That reminded her of her resolve and as she saw the detective pull up into the car park, pressing her clicker to allow her entrance she quickly exited her car and locked it behind her.
She waited until Olivia came up into the lobby and followed her into the lift, they were the only ones present and it didn’t take the brunette long to realise that she wasn’t alone and at the very least not with a stranger.
“Alex, what the hell?” Olivia growled before sighing heavily and hitting the button harder for her floor, “You heard what Elliot said and the same goes for me. Just leave me alone.”
“Olivia, please, just listen to what I have to say, please?” The A.D.A begged, this was beneath her and she wasn’t one to beg, Olivia knew that.
The brunette glanced at the blonde’s face and again, she faltered, this is why she hadn’t looked at her that long at the scene, this was the reason why she couldn’t... because when it came to Alex Cabot, her blue eyes were something she fell into and to see them so anguished hurt her more than she would ever allow her to say.
But the anger was still there, the past few days and Alex’s actions were unforgivable, but there was no reason why she shouldn’t hear her out. After all they were best friends, she should give Alex the chance to at least explain herself.
“Alright, you have five minutes and then you leave,” She said exactly at the same time the lift opened to the 16th floor.
It took her seconds to locate her keys, the usual placement in the back pocket of her jeans, and she immediately entered and held the door open for the blonde.
Alex had to remind herself to breathe again, as she had watched the other woman open the door a lock of her brunette hair had lost its placing from behind the detective’s ear and had fallen over her face casting a slight shadow across the bridge of her nose. This small thing, every small thing in regards to Olivia Benson’s person were the things that sent her heart fluttering and literally stopped her where she stood.
It always bothered her how Olivia could never see her own beauty and she had to stop herself from wanting more, she knew that Olivia had no interest in her that way but it was like telling a child they couldn’t have a piece of candy that was dangled in front of them over and over again.
She always loved the inside of Olivia’s apartment, it had Olivia’s scent all over the place and Alex couldn’t help that every time she came here she always sighed contentedly to herself, feeling like she was home without being home. Though of course, this was never something she was going to convey to the detective.
“Your time starts now,” Olivia reminded her, causing her to quickly close the door behind her, keeping as much of the warmth as she could in.
Following her friend to the living room, she quickly sat on the arm chair, not bothering to get closer to Olivia like she usually did, something that again, she had been trying to keep in check.
“There is no excuse, no excuse at all for what I did and I really, really
regret it. But my hands were tied and rather than shutting the bureau down I chose to protect it. They were investigating me Olivia, but I was only the first on the list and I couldn’t face the thought of knowing that if it didn’t stop here then I would have to live with the fact that I would have been the one to see you out of a job. I couldn’t live with myself if I had let that happen...” She trailed off.
Olivia watched her carefully, Alex’s blue eyes held a torrent of different emotions. From what she could see shame, guilt, anguish... everything that she deserved to feel was there but then why did that make herself feel guilty for inflicting those emotions.
Of course she knew why and she wasn’t unjust in her actions either, but now that she could see things in a bigger light, not that they were any excuse for what she had done, but there was more to it than she originally thought.
She felt her anger ebbing slowly away but this wasn’t something that was just going to easily go away.
Alex watched the conflicting emotions across Olivia’s face also and when after several minutes of silence and she still hadn’t said anything, she sighed and slowly stood up, “I’m sorry... I should go... you... I...” she ended abruptly, she could feel tears coming and she would not allow herself to break down here, pulling her grey trench coat tighter she hurried through the living room, her stomach felt like it was going to drop through her legs and her heart felt heavy.
She couldn’t even bare another look and hadn’t even heard Olivia stand up until she had a hand placed around her wrist.
“Alex...” Olivia started, until she was distracted by the ocean welling up within the beautiful glacier orbs that she loved staring into, “There is no excuse for what you did but I can’t leave things on these terms.”
Alex kept quiet not wanting to interrupt in case she may something with deeper meaning, though knowing she was fooling herself if she really believed that was going to happen. But also because she didn’t want to lose the warmth that was Olivia’s hand on her skin.
“We’ve been friends for a long time now and I can’t just let you go without you knowing that I didn’t do this because I wanted to. But what you did wasn’t right Alex, either way. We don’t sacrifice our victims so that we can take the easy way out. Of course there is a bigger picture and I do see that now but we don’t do that in SVU.”
Slowly she released her hold on the porcelain white blonde, hoping that wasn’t obvious that the tips of her fingers had hovered for a second to remember its silken feel.
Alex slowly extinguished a breath, richness of the mint she had had just before she had rushed up here still evident.
“I know, I understand... I... I just couldn’t... I didn’t see...” Alex faltered trying to find the right words, hoping that maybe she could think up a double entendre for the situation or maybe she should just blurt it out and have it happen sooner so that she could pick up the pieces of her heart again and run away and lick her wounds.
She swore to herself that she wasn’t going to let her feelings for Olivia Benson get in the way again... but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t keep living this way and going home every night alone to her cold apartment and wishing she was somewhere else. It wasn’t healthy.
“I was trying to protect you...” was what finally came out in a low small whisper.
At first she didn’t think that Olivia had heard her and was prepared to carry on when Olivia spoke up.
“In case you hadn’t noticed Alex, I really don’t need any sort of protection. But thank you,” Detective Benson responded. When she saw the small flicker of hurt spread across the blonde’s features before it was gone again. For a second she realised that she hadn’t taken it in the context she should have, or did she just imagine that? “Unless there is something else you want to tell me?” She asked hopefully.
“I told you everything already,” Alex replied, though the voice inside her head was screaming how much of an idiot she was right now, that she shouldn’t have said anything and that wasn’t hope she could detect in the brunette’s dulcet tones, that had
to be something else.
“Oh...” Olivia said, this time she couldn’t keep the disappointment out of her voice but she tried to cover that up with a small smile, “... well... okay.”
Alex shook her head a second, there was no denoting that, that was actual disappointment she could tell, it didn’t take a genius to work that out. But why would she be disappointed with the fact that she had just told her that she knew everything. That didn’t make sense.
“Unless... you know... do you have something else you want to tell me?” She asked gently, wondering if she should take the lead... maybe this wasn’t her imagination after all.
Olivia blushed.Since when does she do that? Though I have to admit, it is very cute!
Alex thought to herself, she drew consciously closer but the brunette didn’t move, “Is
there something you want to tell me?” She asked in a low voice and then added, “You know you can tell me anything, Olivia. It goes no further I promise.”
“I...” The detective looked up, she was never flustered and she never was at a loss for words, but the proximity to which she could feel the energy steaming off of the A.D.A was palpable. She couldn’t be imagining that could she? “Uh...”
“The great detective Benson at a loss for words, I never thought I’d see the day,” Alex said ruefully before realising that this really wasn’t the right time for jokes.
This seemed to bring Olivia out of her spell and she moved rapidly away as if the blonde had burnt her just by being that close.
“I could use a drink,” she muttered and headed towards the kitchen. She could feel the heat in her face and also between her legs.
She definitely had the wrong end of the stick, Alex Cabot was definitely not
“Am I welcome to stay or would you rather I leave?” Alex asked, her heart just felt like it had been wrenched out of her chest but she was pretty sure she hadn’t got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe Olivia did feel the same way but was just scared. But she couldn’t deny the fact that the rejection, however not intended, stung heavily within her chest.
“It’s up to you,” Olivia answered, pulling out the bottle of whiskey and grabbing some ice from her freezer and making herself a whiskey on the rocks, “Whatever you’re most comfortable with Ms. Cabot.”
“Since when was this about me?” Alex asked, her brows knitting together and this time she tried to keep her anger in check.
“This whole thing has been about you, you came here to explain and you explained. I see the bigger picture now, I really do. But this whole thing has been because of you,” Olivia regretted her words as soon as she had said them but that didn’t wipe the shocked look followed by the hurt one, from Alex’s face any where near as quickly as before.
“Do you really think I don’t think any of this is my fault? Gods, Olivia, if it wasn’t for me things would probably be a lot better between us already. A lot better by far...” She growled at the end of her sentence and then turned around to leave, “Just ignore that last bit, I will leave you to your drink.”
“Alex, wait...” Olivia said and this time the blonde did stop, but she didn’t turn around either, “What did you mean by that?”
?” Alex asked, trying to keep her tone surprised and without strain, this evening was getting better and better.
“By, “if it wasn’t for me things would probably be a lot better between us...”
that bit, what did you mean by that?” Olivia asked, moving slowly closer to the taller one’s back.
She watched as Alex took a deep breath and she could hear her berating herself under her breath.
“What would you like it to mean?” The blonde questioned, her tone defeated and her body tense as if she was waiting for a blow to take her feet out from under her.
“I...” Olivia attempted and then stopped thinking of the best phrase. The woman she loved, the woman that she had been in love with for years now sounded afraid, “I would like it to mean that you felt the same about me as I do for you,” Olivia replied, her sentence had barely been just above a whisper but she knew Alex had heard because of the second intake of breath and she slowly turned around to meet her gaze.
In the entire time Olivia Benson had known Alex, she had never seen a look of fear in her eyes and for a moment she wondered if she had said the wrong thing, if she had gotten the wrong idea and now was about to send the blonde beauty running out of her door screaming.
“Do you mean that?” Alex tested, not realising that she was echoing Olivia’s fears right at that very moment.
“Yes,” It was so firm that neither one of them spoke immediately after.
“C... could I maybe stay, even if its only for a little while? I... I promise I will leave if its not okay,” Alex stuttered.
Olivia’s eyes widened, surely she hadn’t heard that right... Alex didn’t stutter, Alex never stuttered...
This compelled her then to move a little closer, feeling an overpowering need to just take the A.D.A in her arms and just sweep her off her feet right there and then. But again, she didn’t want to scare the blonde.
She did move closer and she slowly undid the buttons on the blondes grey coat and shook it off her small frame.
She hung her coat up and then walked back over to Alex, her hand held out questioningly.
Alex’s dark dress suit was vivid contrast to Olivia’s casual work clothes. Where Olivia wore trousers, Alex was in a straight pin striped pencil skirt.
The blonde had to shake her head to remind herself that she was being waited for and she gingerly reached out her own hand and took Olivia’s warmer one.
They strolled hand in hand into the living room, but this time the brunette made the A.D.A sit on the double seater lounge with her.
She lifted Alex’s leg one at a time and removed the Prada heels from the size 10 feet.
Alex sighed and she watched then as Olivia went from shy and to confident but also respectful in minutes.
She still didn’t know what to say and this was a new thing for her, she was usually the one that took the lead, the one that chased but with Olivia she had been friends with her first and had been positive that Olivia was not interested in her the same way.
“How long?” Olivia asked, gently bring Alex out of her reverie.
“About 3 months after I met you for the first time...” She trailed off, “You?”
“You’ve only been gay since then?” Olivia questioned and then realised what Alex thought she had been asking and chuckled to herself, “I was a little faster than you evidently.”
“I’ve known I was gay since I was nineteen,” Alex replied, “How much quicker than me?”
“Since nineteen? Again, I was a little earlier than you, but only by two years,” She deftly side tracked the previous question.
“I really don’t think that this is a competition Olivia,” Alex answered, the corner of her mouth turning up into a small smile, “Angelina or Jennifer?” She quickly shot.
“Angelina of course,” Olivia replied, then poked the blonde gently, “But a bit off topic. And of course I know its not a competition, I just wondered. I really didn’t think you were gay.”
“I didn’t think you were either but look where it got both of us. A really bad case of what we thought was unrequited love...” Alex stopped herself midsentence when she said love, maybe Olivia didn’t love her and it was just lust and she had just scared her off by saying that.
Olivia chuckled,but didn’t reply verbally. Instead she reached out her hand and trailed her finger lazily down the blonde’s cheek.
For a moment their eyes locked, brown on blue.
Olivia leaned forward and gently brushed her lips across Alex’s and then pulled back to see if that was okay. She didn’t have time to go too far, the A.D.A had a hand tangled in the detective’s short locks and pulled her back in.
Her mouth was a lot softer than she had imagined, her imagination hadn’t quite done Alex justice but there was also a little bit of hardness that she hadn’t expected, but something that excited her greatly. I could definitely get used to this
, Olivia thought to herself before being distracted by the beautiful blonde again.